I just have to get this out

There is no short circuiting pain. You have to let it go through you and during it you must feel gratitude for being alive enough to feel it. Be vulnerable, keep trying to love and connect. Don't numb things.

I write today after being dumped after two dates. Not sure if you can call that dumped but if you are beginning to get to know someone and then communication is cut off, I think that's a dumping. I think what hurts the most is the lie that I tell myself, that I must not be worthy of getting to know because he no longer wants to have those deep conversations where God and the universe are explored. And I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it has nothing to do with me or being unworthy. Sometimes it just comes from personal pain and inability to connect on the other person's part. And my mind comes around to the fact that I was spared, my tender soul was spared. This is when I become ecstatically grateful and thank God for getting me one step closer to my future husband. I repeat the truth and ask God to fill the hole and deep need I have for connection. Then I continue to breathe as he meets my needs.

I am mad. I am very mad at how I was treated. How I was just cast off. And I will have to feel the anger and sadness and ask God to be here with me. No numbing, just spiritual companionship and guidance. Don't numb anything. I want to feel it, and get through it with you God. With my silence and my kindness heap burning coals on his head.

To add...

When I think about it, it would be fun at first, but then it would be simply annoying, the distance, the lack of money, the immaturity, the pressure for sex, and the want to be free. Nope I really really really don't need any of that. So I ask for protection. Please God, he really has no idea of what his actions have done to me emotionally. It's like giving pudding to a fat kid, or heroin to an addict. I don't think he's bad, just lost. I ask you to keep me safe and allow this to be a wake up call for what I really want. Help me to see things as they really are, open my eyes, help me to be thankful and mindful of what I have. Help me to know that you are the only one that can fill that addict's void. And that I am one step closer to you. Be with me this week Lord. Fill me with your love when I don't have much left of my own. Let me know how I can serve you the best. Take away my fear. Help me to be brave.

New Post Finally

Well I almost never write here unless I have feelings about God or men that I somehow need to get out. I ended up cuddling with a friend of a friend this weekend. It started as an innocent, sure you can crash here after a long night of celebration for the mutual friend. An offer of a massage with too long of a pause and a lack of saying no, and a hop in the bed. Nothing happened! Thank God!! But my heart still hurts because I don't want to be acting like that. My heart hurts because I bonded with a male that there is no future with, no real possibility of dating, not really 100% a christian, and wow, just way too young. A hurt heart because there was no message from him saying that he enjoyed spending time with me. Wow, we really have to protect our hearts don't we? God says protect your heart because it is the wellspring of life. Why do we take so long to understand this? I did not mean to allow the cuddling, I honestly thought I was helping a friend have a place to crash, or did I? I am not innocent, I was enjoying the talking, the emotional intimacy and I didn't want that to end. Again, I'm glad he's not a total asshole and did not press for more than i wanted to give. Honestly, he's never given me a second look and he's met me several times. I think that hurts that he never had real intentions of getting to know me. The one good thing I did was refuse to talk about my sexual past. Go me! There needs to be a safe relationship of support for that kind of talk. He did say some nice things, and you know I don't think he's all bad. He's a neat person, just at the beginning of his path with God. Hopefully this energetic young man will grow up and learn to love God with all his heart, and not half of it. Hopefully, he will learn how to protect and cherish a woman's heart. One can hope.

Perspective

I think I am realizing that my ex was/is a self-centered child. I had the codependent part down but I didn't come to terms with the self-centered, immature part. I think this is sad. I am sad about it. I'm not sure why I'm still hung up about this. I felt like I moved on, only to hear from a mutual friend that he is seeing another girl and he's not serious about her. That is sad too. Why do I feel the need to take on his sad life. It has nothing to do with me. It says nothing bad about me. I wouldn't do that anymore. I want so badly for Christ to heal me and help me move on. It's really hard when 8 people I know are getting married. I feel left behind. I need to reinvent my life. I need God to infuse every fiber of my being with hope and love.

Moving On

Gosh why does moving on have to be so dang hard. It just is. Life happens in waves that bring you closer or farther to someone, something, or God. I had a wave today. I met with a friend of my ex. I always clicked with this girl, something about her screamed that she was real. I met with her today, having not seen her in forever. And we talked and of course the topic changed to him. And at the end (she's no longer friends with him) we just realized that we felt sad for him and just wanted to pray for him. Apparently he's in some new relationship with a unitarian. All I could think was that he found someone to have sex with since she's not a christian. The weirder thing was that I thought about him last night during life group. I told my christian friends about it. I felt honestly that God wanted me to reconcile with him, as in get back together some how. Of course my immediate internal reaction was HELL NO. I wonder if it's just my brain playing tricks on me or if it's the enemy. I just thought it could be Satan whispering this shit in my ears. Well dang, because my good sense says to stay away from the deeply distraught young man. I will pray for him but unless God tells me and another Christian that I trust confirms it, I will not budge. And right when I got home I had an email from her. Weird. Maybe God wanted me to see that it was a lie. And maybe reconnecting with her was what I really needed to do, perhaps God was protecting me. I'm sad that they are no longer friends. And that he tried the whole we should date thing with her, how insulting if you don't really mean it. I feel so sad about him. I guess this is part of moving on.

Frustrated

I had dinner with a friend last night. I have mixed feelings about what has transpired. I've been depressed for about a year now and so I can see how he would say what he did. I haven't exactly been a barrel of fun. He said I'm a negative person and I'm not fun to be around. This was after I told him how I found out my ex (the one I liked the most) was married and expecting. He said that we've already talked about this. I said well yes we talked about him but not about the married thing. Apparently, I'm supposed to just get over it and stop talking about it and stop being negative. Why do I expect kindness from assholes? Really, why? Why do I bother with people who are emptier than me, more depressed than me, and even less hopeful. It didn't matter how I defended myself, or try to call attention to his own obsessive behavior, apparently it was all about me being a crappy person. I take offense. I really do. I'm already not thrilled with myself. I needed just one more person to cut me down. Criticism can be offered in love but when it's offered in exasperation, it doesn't help.

Truly Humbled

I messed up again and feel awful in every which way about it. I've confessed it to another Christian and to God. I still feel all tangled up in trying to figure this individual out even though it's not my job, it's God's. I pray for him and I end up thinking about him. Father I need to be washed clean of this so I won't do it again. I need to have faith that you'll take care of me in my loneliness and that I'm not alone. Father help me believe. I feel attacked. I feel that Satan doesn't want me to grow. He wants me to stay stuck and ineffective. I'm asking for God to win here.