Life is moving

Life is moving and I feel so low spiritually. I know he's taking care of me...but I feel so far off so self-serving. I messed up and did stuff I knew I shouldn't, stuff I left behind. And I've confessed it, but I still feel weak and sad about it. God please forgive me. Please forgive me. I want to be closer to you more than I can say. This quest to date has got me focused on it. THat's not what I want. I want to have some fun interesting, growing experiences, led by you. That's what I really want. God please send me a godly man that loves you. I will not be afraid to not ask. Not asking is hiding the truth from yourself and God. He commands us to ask, like little children for what we want. I want companionship, and dang, sex, who doesn't.

Spiritual Update

So I found a new small group and I'm excited to be with these women because they are committed. We're all in different places for sure but we share the same level of desire. Okay so I found a new book called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud, and while it's a dating book, it's christian and it deals more with how to open yourself up to taking risks, talking to new people, and really analyzing what is going on inside yourself in relation to your interactions with the opposite sex. And even thinking about it for me lets me know that I'm scared and I've always been scared. How did I meet my last boyfriend? Well a friend offered to introduce us. We met in a group situation. I wasn't impressed with him at all, I thought he was stuck up and self-obsessed. When we went out on another group date with another guy who I was supposed to meet, but he and I ended up connecting. All in all I had a great time with both guys but the truth of it was that I was open going into the situation. I was open to share myself and learn more about each of the guys. And he was so crazy to get to know me more and I him. So again, I had to put myself out there and just happen to visit my friend at work because they worked together. And it was hard, I had to wait awhile and I had almost left but I stayed. And then I found out just how eager he was to get to know me. He got my number from me, although he could've gotten it from my friend. And the rest was history, we dated for six months. And although I'm sad that it didn't work out, I got to know more about myself and what I need in a relationship. I'm pretty sure he did too. So now I have the assignment to go out and meet five new guys a week. I'm petrified, absolutely scared and I need to find someone to be accountable too. Eeek where to start.

Where to Go

I feel God seeking me, wanting to pull me out of my shell, wanting to give me the abundant life, if only I'd follow him. I have a new understanding of God, that he truly wants to satisfy our dreams, just not the way we might think it should go. But that's the beauty of surrender, it's not because I wanted it, but because He is good and gives me grace. I'm so thankful for grace. My mom has been extremely depressed for about six years now. She's struggled with it her whole life, but I know that there is grace out there for her, I'm less sad. I know God loves her, just like she is, dysfunctional and messy. So what some of us can cover those parts of ourselves up better, we are all dysfunctional and messy, aren't we? I have hope that God will do amazing things in her life and my mindset is changing from one of resignation to one of hope. She's never felt good enough, but she is. And I know I'm supposed to do music, travel, and cook. I pray that I will become unparalyzed and move forward.

lessons

I feel like crap today. I saw an ex-boyfriend and those feelings just haven't completely died. It sucks, it's not what I want. I want to be free or I want to have him. And neither is a possibility for me. I want him but I don't. I love him but I don't. I'm holding out for better. I can't even put words to it. There is just this quality in a person that makes me feel challenged by them or entertained by them, etc. I realize that I love dorks, people who'll make a fool out of themselves, and not care. People that have that kind of confidence really attract me, as do super intelligent, super funny people in the kind of way that I like which also defies defining. I don't even know what I think anymore. At 28, I feel so lost. I now know that I don't know anything, especially can't put into words what I want in a man. I have such a list of must haves in the ethical, spiritual part, that I can't really explain the personality I'm looking for. I am so tired of seeking and not finding, feeling so unfilled. I know it's a spiritual problem but the hurt doesn't seem to go away. I'm thinking there are many people who feel the same as me.

Support

I had a great conversation with a friend about being hungry for God and how I need to find some others like that. There's this strange balance between being there for people who are still figuring stuff out about their faith and being fed yourself. He said if you weren't fed yourself, how could you be there for others? It's amazing how awesome the sense we call "common" is. Just to tell you a bit about myself, being open about my spirituality has been hard for me, it's been a struggle. I went to a very religious church that didn't match my culture and I was embarrassed about telling others about or bringing others to it. Now that I go to a church who's culture matches my own and the people around me, I feel so joyous to bring others, to share with them the awesome stuff God is doing in our lives. So I'm a shy spiritual blogger right now, but I'm learning to be more forthcoming. Dear readers bear with me.

Sacrifice

I don't think humans can really totally understand sacrifice. But I think that true love can be evidenced when sacrifice is present. Although I don't really understand the story in Hosea, where God compares Isreal to Hosea's wife with the cheatin heart. He tells Hosea to take her back and to love her the way he loves Isreal. I don't know if I could do that. But love truly does forgive all things, it sees potential beyond the present, it hopes beyond anything we can ever understand. God must get frustrated with our lack of omnipotence, we need things explained really slowly, and then we might just get parts of it.