To add...

When I think about it, it would be fun at first, but then it would be simply annoying, the distance, the lack of money, the immaturity, the pressure for sex, and the want to be free. Nope I really really really don't need any of that. So I ask for protection. Please God, he really has no idea of what his actions have done to me emotionally. It's like giving pudding to a fat kid, or heroin to an addict. I don't think he's bad, just lost. I ask you to keep me safe and allow this to be a wake up call for what I really want. Help me to see things as they really are, open my eyes, help me to be thankful and mindful of what I have. Help me to know that you are the only one that can fill that addict's void. And that I am one step closer to you. Be with me this week Lord. Fill me with your love when I don't have much left of my own. Let me know how I can serve you the best. Take away my fear. Help me to be brave.

New Post Finally

Well I almost never write here unless I have feelings about God or men that I somehow need to get out. I ended up cuddling with a friend of a friend this weekend. It started as an innocent, sure you can crash here after a long night of celebration for the mutual friend. An offer of a massage with too long of a pause and a lack of saying no, and a hop in the bed. Nothing happened! Thank God!! But my heart still hurts because I don't want to be acting like that. My heart hurts because I bonded with a male that there is no future with, no real possibility of dating, not really 100% a christian, and wow, just way too young. A hurt heart because there was no message from him saying that he enjoyed spending time with me. Wow, we really have to protect our hearts don't we? God says protect your heart because it is the wellspring of life. Why do we take so long to understand this? I did not mean to allow the cuddling, I honestly thought I was helping a friend have a place to crash, or did I? I am not innocent, I was enjoying the talking, the emotional intimacy and I didn't want that to end. Again, I'm glad he's not a total asshole and did not press for more than i wanted to give. Honestly, he's never given me a second look and he's met me several times. I think that hurts that he never had real intentions of getting to know me. The one good thing I did was refuse to talk about my sexual past. Go me! There needs to be a safe relationship of support for that kind of talk. He did say some nice things, and you know I don't think he's all bad. He's a neat person, just at the beginning of his path with God. Hopefully this energetic young man will grow up and learn to love God with all his heart, and not half of it. Hopefully, he will learn how to protect and cherish a woman's heart. One can hope.

Perspective

I think I am realizing that my ex was/is a self-centered child. I had the codependent part down but I didn't come to terms with the self-centered, immature part. I think this is sad. I am sad about it. I'm not sure why I'm still hung up about this. I felt like I moved on, only to hear from a mutual friend that he is seeing another girl and he's not serious about her. That is sad too. Why do I feel the need to take on his sad life. It has nothing to do with me. It says nothing bad about me. I wouldn't do that anymore. I want so badly for Christ to heal me and help me move on. It's really hard when 8 people I know are getting married. I feel left behind. I need to reinvent my life. I need God to infuse every fiber of my being with hope and love.

Moving On

Gosh why does moving on have to be so dang hard. It just is. Life happens in waves that bring you closer or farther to someone, something, or God. I had a wave today. I met with a friend of my ex. I always clicked with this girl, something about her screamed that she was real. I met with her today, having not seen her in forever. And we talked and of course the topic changed to him. And at the end (she's no longer friends with him) we just realized that we felt sad for him and just wanted to pray for him. Apparently he's in some new relationship with a unitarian. All I could think was that he found someone to have sex with since she's not a christian. The weirder thing was that I thought about him last night during life group. I told my christian friends about it. I felt honestly that God wanted me to reconcile with him, as in get back together some how. Of course my immediate internal reaction was HELL NO. I wonder if it's just my brain playing tricks on me or if it's the enemy. I just thought it could be Satan whispering this shit in my ears. Well dang, because my good sense says to stay away from the deeply distraught young man. I will pray for him but unless God tells me and another Christian that I trust confirms it, I will not budge. And right when I got home I had an email from her. Weird. Maybe God wanted me to see that it was a lie. And maybe reconnecting with her was what I really needed to do, perhaps God was protecting me. I'm sad that they are no longer friends. And that he tried the whole we should date thing with her, how insulting if you don't really mean it. I feel so sad about him. I guess this is part of moving on.

Frustrated

I had dinner with a friend last night. I have mixed feelings about what has transpired. I've been depressed for about a year now and so I can see how he would say what he did. I haven't exactly been a barrel of fun. He said I'm a negative person and I'm not fun to be around. This was after I told him how I found out my ex (the one I liked the most) was married and expecting. He said that we've already talked about this. I said well yes we talked about him but not about the married thing. Apparently, I'm supposed to just get over it and stop talking about it and stop being negative. Why do I expect kindness from assholes? Really, why? Why do I bother with people who are emptier than me, more depressed than me, and even less hopeful. It didn't matter how I defended myself, or try to call attention to his own obsessive behavior, apparently it was all about me being a crappy person. I take offense. I really do. I'm already not thrilled with myself. I needed just one more person to cut me down. Criticism can be offered in love but when it's offered in exasperation, it doesn't help.

Truly Humbled

I messed up again and feel awful in every which way about it. I've confessed it to another Christian and to God. I still feel all tangled up in trying to figure this individual out even though it's not my job, it's God's. I pray for him and I end up thinking about him. Father I need to be washed clean of this so I won't do it again. I need to have faith that you'll take care of me in my loneliness and that I'm not alone. Father help me believe. I feel attacked. I feel that Satan doesn't want me to grow. He wants me to stay stuck and ineffective. I'm asking for God to win here.

Another Hard Choice

Maybe it's not that the choice is hard but the aftermath of the choice that is hard. I wanted so badly to run away from it. Now I understand how others feel when dumping someone. I hope that I'm seen as benevolent rather than bitchy cause I did it for many good reasons. Here's the list so I can have it preserved for posterity:
1. We have very different spiritual and philosophical ideas about life
2. I don't trust him, many examples of immature and selfish behavior, lacks altrusim
3. He has very high walls and it's not my job to climb them or tear them down
4. My spiritual growth is an extremely high priority to me if I'm ever going to be a better person
5. Better to end it now before our lives our intertwined and it would hurt even more
6. It just feels wrong, sinful activity
7. Simple lifestyle difference...Christian vs. not (too much alcohol...been there done that)

The New Year

I'm excited for this new year, this fresh start. This past year was amazing but hard in many ways too. I got to teach children (which was wonderful!), freeze my butt off in the Korean winter, see beautiful Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. I got to live a relatively uncomplicated simple life in a high rise in Seoul, Korea. I moved back to Austin and got my own apartment, a new job tutoring college students, reconnected with friends, got back into things at church, and found an awesome small group. I got to be with my nuclear family for three days before Christmas, which is so rare that we are all in the same place for more than two hours. I lost a little weight which is a lot for a small person!!! I figured out that taking a mega multi-vitamin makes me have migraines way way way less than I did, another amazing quality of life victory!!!! Oh and I learned to knit! And one of my best friends had a little girl named Althea, what a blessing. Unfortunately, I ended this year with feelings of being a little defeated, and broken, but I think that this is one of the inevitable periods of life that just have to be worked through. And in reflection, I am not so sad but just happy to be alive and to be warm and fed and healthy, with people that love me around.

Letting Your Freak Flag Fly

I work with students aged 18-22 with special needs, like autism, learning disabilities, and emotional disabilities. We have some brilliant kids who can't remember to eat and we have some super slow learners who can't add fractions. But here we accept each other, the students are so supportive of each other, it's really sweet to see. Because the kids don't judge me, I've been more open about my spirituality than ever before. I even have another Christian student that I can agree about some things with. Although we don't go too deep since our relationship is a professional one. I just don't feel judged here. I am a Christian, a Freak in the world, I do not fit in here.

Evangelism is the hardest thing for me. I'm alright telling people who are close to me what I believe when the conversation naturally comes up. I don't tell random people the intricacies of what I believe. When I do find out that someone is emphatically not a christian my heart aches. And then I feel guilty, because who am I to tell them (or simply think it) that they need to change. But I ache more because I know the freedom and love that they are missing and it hurts my heart.

Dating Disaster

I am a dating disaster. I am a failure. I get attached too easily. I keep dating non-christians and it really doesn't work. I just stopped seeing a guy tonight, who wasn't a christian and he shook my hand goodbye, it was so cold. I wanted to scream, damn it why couldn't you have been a christian. Why? It's not fair. I actually really like you. In some way I should be happy that I saved us both alot of pain. Why do I feel like crap? I'm unable to just date casually without getting attached. I'm just incapable. I suck.

Life is moving

Life is moving and I feel so low spiritually. I know he's taking care of me...but I feel so far off so self-serving. I messed up and did stuff I knew I shouldn't, stuff I left behind. And I've confessed it, but I still feel weak and sad about it. God please forgive me. Please forgive me. I want to be closer to you more than I can say. This quest to date has got me focused on it. THat's not what I want. I want to have some fun interesting, growing experiences, led by you. That's what I really want. God please send me a godly man that loves you. I will not be afraid to not ask. Not asking is hiding the truth from yourself and God. He commands us to ask, like little children for what we want. I want companionship, and dang, sex, who doesn't.

Spiritual Update

So I found a new small group and I'm excited to be with these women because they are committed. We're all in different places for sure but we share the same level of desire. Okay so I found a new book called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud, and while it's a dating book, it's christian and it deals more with how to open yourself up to taking risks, talking to new people, and really analyzing what is going on inside yourself in relation to your interactions with the opposite sex. And even thinking about it for me lets me know that I'm scared and I've always been scared. How did I meet my last boyfriend? Well a friend offered to introduce us. We met in a group situation. I wasn't impressed with him at all, I thought he was stuck up and self-obsessed. When we went out on another group date with another guy who I was supposed to meet, but he and I ended up connecting. All in all I had a great time with both guys but the truth of it was that I was open going into the situation. I was open to share myself and learn more about each of the guys. And he was so crazy to get to know me more and I him. So again, I had to put myself out there and just happen to visit my friend at work because they worked together. And it was hard, I had to wait awhile and I had almost left but I stayed. And then I found out just how eager he was to get to know me. He got my number from me, although he could've gotten it from my friend. And the rest was history, we dated for six months. And although I'm sad that it didn't work out, I got to know more about myself and what I need in a relationship. I'm pretty sure he did too. So now I have the assignment to go out and meet five new guys a week. I'm petrified, absolutely scared and I need to find someone to be accountable too. Eeek where to start.

Where to Go

I feel God seeking me, wanting to pull me out of my shell, wanting to give me the abundant life, if only I'd follow him. I have a new understanding of God, that he truly wants to satisfy our dreams, just not the way we might think it should go. But that's the beauty of surrender, it's not because I wanted it, but because He is good and gives me grace. I'm so thankful for grace. My mom has been extremely depressed for about six years now. She's struggled with it her whole life, but I know that there is grace out there for her, I'm less sad. I know God loves her, just like she is, dysfunctional and messy. So what some of us can cover those parts of ourselves up better, we are all dysfunctional and messy, aren't we? I have hope that God will do amazing things in her life and my mindset is changing from one of resignation to one of hope. She's never felt good enough, but she is. And I know I'm supposed to do music, travel, and cook. I pray that I will become unparalyzed and move forward.

lessons

I feel like crap today. I saw an ex-boyfriend and those feelings just haven't completely died. It sucks, it's not what I want. I want to be free or I want to have him. And neither is a possibility for me. I want him but I don't. I love him but I don't. I'm holding out for better. I can't even put words to it. There is just this quality in a person that makes me feel challenged by them or entertained by them, etc. I realize that I love dorks, people who'll make a fool out of themselves, and not care. People that have that kind of confidence really attract me, as do super intelligent, super funny people in the kind of way that I like which also defies defining. I don't even know what I think anymore. At 28, I feel so lost. I now know that I don't know anything, especially can't put into words what I want in a man. I have such a list of must haves in the ethical, spiritual part, that I can't really explain the personality I'm looking for. I am so tired of seeking and not finding, feeling so unfilled. I know it's a spiritual problem but the hurt doesn't seem to go away. I'm thinking there are many people who feel the same as me.

Support

I had a great conversation with a friend about being hungry for God and how I need to find some others like that. There's this strange balance between being there for people who are still figuring stuff out about their faith and being fed yourself. He said if you weren't fed yourself, how could you be there for others? It's amazing how awesome the sense we call "common" is. Just to tell you a bit about myself, being open about my spirituality has been hard for me, it's been a struggle. I went to a very religious church that didn't match my culture and I was embarrassed about telling others about or bringing others to it. Now that I go to a church who's culture matches my own and the people around me, I feel so joyous to bring others, to share with them the awesome stuff God is doing in our lives. So I'm a shy spiritual blogger right now, but I'm learning to be more forthcoming. Dear readers bear with me.

Sacrifice

I don't think humans can really totally understand sacrifice. But I think that true love can be evidenced when sacrifice is present. Although I don't really understand the story in Hosea, where God compares Isreal to Hosea's wife with the cheatin heart. He tells Hosea to take her back and to love her the way he loves Isreal. I don't know if I could do that. But love truly does forgive all things, it sees potential beyond the present, it hopes beyond anything we can ever understand. God must get frustrated with our lack of omnipotence, we need things explained really slowly, and then we might just get parts of it.