I just have to get this out

There is no short circuiting pain. You have to let it go through you and during it you must feel gratitude for being alive enough to feel it. Be vulnerable, keep trying to love and connect. Don't numb things.

I write today after being dumped after two dates. Not sure if you can call that dumped but if you are beginning to get to know someone and then communication is cut off, I think that's a dumping. I think what hurts the most is the lie that I tell myself, that I must not be worthy of getting to know because he no longer wants to have those deep conversations where God and the universe are explored. And I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it has nothing to do with me or being unworthy. Sometimes it just comes from personal pain and inability to connect on the other person's part. And my mind comes around to the fact that I was spared, my tender soul was spared. This is when I become ecstatically grateful and thank God for getting me one step closer to my future husband. I repeat the truth and ask God to fill the hole and deep need I have for connection. Then I continue to breathe as he meets my needs.

I am mad. I am very mad at how I was treated. How I was just cast off. And I will have to feel the anger and sadness and ask God to be here with me. No numbing, just spiritual companionship and guidance. Don't numb anything. I want to feel it, and get through it with you God. With my silence and my kindness heap burning coals on his head.