Where to Go

I feel God seeking me, wanting to pull me out of my shell, wanting to give me the abundant life, if only I'd follow him. I have a new understanding of God, that he truly wants to satisfy our dreams, just not the way we might think it should go. But that's the beauty of surrender, it's not because I wanted it, but because He is good and gives me grace. I'm so thankful for grace. My mom has been extremely depressed for about six years now. She's struggled with it her whole life, but I know that there is grace out there for her, I'm less sad. I know God loves her, just like she is, dysfunctional and messy. So what some of us can cover those parts of ourselves up better, we are all dysfunctional and messy, aren't we? I have hope that God will do amazing things in her life and my mindset is changing from one of resignation to one of hope. She's never felt good enough, but she is. And I know I'm supposed to do music, travel, and cook. I pray that I will become unparalyzed and move forward.

lessons

I feel like crap today. I saw an ex-boyfriend and those feelings just haven't completely died. It sucks, it's not what I want. I want to be free or I want to have him. And neither is a possibility for me. I want him but I don't. I love him but I don't. I'm holding out for better. I can't even put words to it. There is just this quality in a person that makes me feel challenged by them or entertained by them, etc. I realize that I love dorks, people who'll make a fool out of themselves, and not care. People that have that kind of confidence really attract me, as do super intelligent, super funny people in the kind of way that I like which also defies defining. I don't even know what I think anymore. At 28, I feel so lost. I now know that I don't know anything, especially can't put into words what I want in a man. I have such a list of must haves in the ethical, spiritual part, that I can't really explain the personality I'm looking for. I am so tired of seeking and not finding, feeling so unfilled. I know it's a spiritual problem but the hurt doesn't seem to go away. I'm thinking there are many people who feel the same as me.