Truly Humbled

I messed up again and feel awful in every which way about it. I've confessed it to another Christian and to God. I still feel all tangled up in trying to figure this individual out even though it's not my job, it's God's. I pray for him and I end up thinking about him. Father I need to be washed clean of this so I won't do it again. I need to have faith that you'll take care of me in my loneliness and that I'm not alone. Father help me believe. I feel attacked. I feel that Satan doesn't want me to grow. He wants me to stay stuck and ineffective. I'm asking for God to win here.

Another Hard Choice

Maybe it's not that the choice is hard but the aftermath of the choice that is hard. I wanted so badly to run away from it. Now I understand how others feel when dumping someone. I hope that I'm seen as benevolent rather than bitchy cause I did it for many good reasons. Here's the list so I can have it preserved for posterity:
1. We have very different spiritual and philosophical ideas about life
2. I don't trust him, many examples of immature and selfish behavior, lacks altrusim
3. He has very high walls and it's not my job to climb them or tear them down
4. My spiritual growth is an extremely high priority to me if I'm ever going to be a better person
5. Better to end it now before our lives our intertwined and it would hurt even more
6. It just feels wrong, sinful activity
7. Simple lifestyle difference...Christian vs. not (too much alcohol...been there done that)

The New Year

I'm excited for this new year, this fresh start. This past year was amazing but hard in many ways too. I got to teach children (which was wonderful!), freeze my butt off in the Korean winter, see beautiful Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. I got to live a relatively uncomplicated simple life in a high rise in Seoul, Korea. I moved back to Austin and got my own apartment, a new job tutoring college students, reconnected with friends, got back into things at church, and found an awesome small group. I got to be with my nuclear family for three days before Christmas, which is so rare that we are all in the same place for more than two hours. I lost a little weight which is a lot for a small person!!! I figured out that taking a mega multi-vitamin makes me have migraines way way way less than I did, another amazing quality of life victory!!!! Oh and I learned to knit! And one of my best friends had a little girl named Althea, what a blessing. Unfortunately, I ended this year with feelings of being a little defeated, and broken, but I think that this is one of the inevitable periods of life that just have to be worked through. And in reflection, I am not so sad but just happy to be alive and to be warm and fed and healthy, with people that love me around.