lessons

I feel like crap today. I saw an ex-boyfriend and those feelings just haven't completely died. It sucks, it's not what I want. I want to be free or I want to have him. And neither is a possibility for me. I want him but I don't. I love him but I don't. I'm holding out for better. I can't even put words to it. There is just this quality in a person that makes me feel challenged by them or entertained by them, etc. I realize that I love dorks, people who'll make a fool out of themselves, and not care. People that have that kind of confidence really attract me, as do super intelligent, super funny people in the kind of way that I like which also defies defining. I don't even know what I think anymore. At 28, I feel so lost. I now know that I don't know anything, especially can't put into words what I want in a man. I have such a list of must haves in the ethical, spiritual part, that I can't really explain the personality I'm looking for. I am so tired of seeking and not finding, feeling so unfilled. I know it's a spiritual problem but the hurt doesn't seem to go away. I'm thinking there are many people who feel the same as me.